Funny & Satirical

HUGE ROW DOESN'T BLOW UP OVER CHANNEL 4 RACISM by Our Broadcasting Staff Jonathan Mullah: There were no thousands of protests to the broadcasting regulator Ofcom last week after the Channel 4 programme Despatches showed a group of people making racist remarks.
There were no questions in the House of Commons, the Prime Minister did not intervene and nor did Mr Brown make a statement on racism and British culture during his tour of India.
Not Goody Enough
The programme featured a number of speakers in "the Big Mosque", making deliberately offensive remarks about Jews, Christians, and Westerners, openly using the pejorative term "Kuffaar" and implying that such persons lacked basic hygiene and were "filthy". The bullying ringleaders were captured clearly on film, as were a coterie of sniggering admirers who laughed at their suggestions that non-believers should be killed.
Jaded
However, no one withdrew million-pound sponsorship from "the Big Mosque" and there were no worries that the careers of those revealed as bigots might be over. There were no calls for them to be expelled from "the Big Mosque" or from Britain and (cont. p. 94)

[Private Eye, #1177, 02 February - 15 February 2007]

A SQUIRRELS TALE: REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. THE END
THE U.K. VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London. In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper. Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards. A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'. The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK. The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats. The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister. The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom. The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds. THE END

[posting to Jihadwatch by 'rudekid', 14 December 14 2006]

Jonathan Cainer: As I predicted on BBC2 a few weeks ago, scientists have accepted, as a planet, the new discovery 2003 UB313. Uh… no, they haven't. That's Xena to the likes of you and me. It's official name is Eris, and its moon is Dysnomia, Eris' daughter. They have also reclassified Ceres, the asteroid, as a planet — and declared that Pluto's Moon, Charon, is a planet too. Double negatory there, Jonny boy. By tradition, we astrologers defer to the decisions of astronomers. If they say a heavenly body is important, we treat it with respect, even if previously we have all but ignored it. It's going to take us a while to learn to read these new dials on our dashboard but, eventually, you'll start to see us make even more accurate predictions. Well, being any worse than this would be difficult, wouldn't it, when you got every single thing wrong!

[Daily Mail, 26 August 2006]

Ban Yasharahla: Deuteronomy 28:49 says that the enemy of the true black Jews would come like an eagle speaking a language we didnt know (edomites speakin english). Obadiah 1:4 associates the eagle with the enemy of the Israelites who are the edomites. It says the edomites set their nest among the stars. Notice that the white man whether it be romans or nazis or americans all love the eagle as their symbol! And nest among the stars? Can you say space station bitch? And Genesis 25:25 describes the edomites as red. So called white people arent really white they are red because their blood shows through their skin because they got no melanin. Hows that for profesy you losers? The black Jews shall be led into captivity by a red skinned enemy who will use slave ships and who will also build space stations and speak a foreign tongue and build space stations.
Ban Yasharahla

[Posting to alt.atheism, 09 July 2006]

A Third Theory To Be Taught: Dear Mr Bush,
I agree with you that Intelligent Design should be taught alongside evolution as a theory which can explain the origins of everything. After all, there are educated adults (such as yourself) who have adjudged that evolution is not a reasonable explanation for our existence and that Intelligent Design is reasonable. As a result there is a controversy.
However, there is also a third theory which is equally as reasonable as Intelligent Design. Unfortunately it's acronym is ID as well. It is called Idiot Design. Idiot Design posits that life, the universe and everything did not just evolve by itself or get designed by anything intelligent, but was designed by an idiot.
Now the strident evolution fundamentalists will demand that ID (that is Idiot Design) must have testable hypotheses. OK here goes:
*
Hypothesis: The universe, and everything in it, is designed by an idiot.
*
Deduction 1: The idiot would have produced at least some things for no purpose.
Deduction 2: The idiot would have made mistakes in the design of at least some things.
Deduction 3: The idiot would have made some things which achieve one thing and other things which achieve the exact opposite, thereby counteracting the original intent.
*
Observation 1: Humans (and other mammals) have appendices. It appears to serve no purpose (this confirms deduction 1). However it could be said that it serves to make humans sick every now and again ("Idiot knows why!"). However, if making humans sick is its purpose, then why do we have an elaborate immune system trying to keep humans well? (This confirms deduction 3)
Observation 2: The universe is very very very big. Every leader, martyr, saviour, entrepreneur, zealot, workaholic, rapist, sports star, etc etc who ever lived (aside from a very brief time spent by some very few people called astronauts and cosmonauts) has been on the surface of this tiny, teeny little thing we call Earth. Every injustice, war, victory, loss, disaster, etc etc has occurred in this thin approximately 20km band of life surrounding this piece of rock called Earth. The remaining 99.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 (9 for quite a few more places yet) % of the universe appears to have been for absolutely no purpose whatsoever. (this confirms Deduction 1 in a very very big way)
Observation 3: My bad back (and the millions of bad backs suffered by many other humans) is a great example of a big design mistake for an upright bipedal bunch such as humans. (Deduction 2!) And do I have to mention male nipples, snake and whale legs, that stupid nerve that runs all through the human upper thorax when it could have taken a short cut straight to the head, the blood vessels on the front of the retina, etc etc.
Look this is just a start, but I think the ID (that is Idiot Design) theory has enough evidence behind it to be called the "strong ID theory" and the other one (intelligent design theory ) can be called the "weak ID theory". Remember if your gonna call it "intelligent design" you not only have to prove that the universe was designed but that the designer was also intelligent. Good luck.
Interestingly enough almost all proponents of ID also profess to be christians. This would seem to indicate that they believe that the designer was their Judeo-Christian God. If indeed the Judeo-Xtian God does exist and is the designer, then under strong ID, the deduction is that God is an idiot! Under evolution though, God doesn't need to be an idiot.
So, Mr Bush, I agree that we should teach both sides of the debate: evolution vs ID (that is strong ID).
Regards, Jeff Popova-Clark (formerly Jeff Clark)
Author of the Atheist Manifesto from alt.atheism circa 1993

[Posting to alt.atheism, 24 August 2005]

NO CONNECTION BETWEEN ISLAM AND TERROR by Our Man At Scotland Yard P.C. P.C.: LONDON's top policeman, Chief Superintendent "Knacker of the Yard" Knacker, yesterday called a special press conference in the wake of the London bombings to explain that in the view of London's police service there was no connection whatever between what he was about to say and common sense.
"Just because these bombs were let of my Muslims," he went on, "it does not follow that there is any link between the bombers and the religion of Islam."
"My officers," he concluded, "will be focusing their efforts largely on members of the Church of England and other fanatical groups — especially those who are known to be linked to extremist organisations such as the Women's Institute."

[Private Eye, #1137, 22 July - 04 August 2005]

ATHEISTS ARE SLAVES OF SATAN: TEACHER>>>>>
GREETINGS CLASS>>>>>
Today I would like to direct your attention to a fundamental principle of the deception of atheism. I will do this by quoting the words of an atheist. After the quote, I will explain its deception: "…You say that atheism is "authored by the devil", this statement couldn't be more untrue. As an atheist, I do not believe in the devil as much as I do not believe in god. I am not a devil worshipper for the simple fact that I do not believe in any supernatural deity WHATSOEVER. This does not make me a criminal, a heathen maybe, but criminal no….I am not a so-called sinner because I do not believe in your definition of sin, simply put I am human…just like you."
ANALYSIS: We desire every student to notice carefully the deception that is stated in the above quote. It is very typical of atheists' responses and exemplifies some fundamental deceptive principles of atheism: Notice first that this atheist mistakenly believes that it is impossible for them to be worshippers of satan simply because they do not believe in him. Atheists don't understand that worship of satan is not contingent upon a realization or acknowledgment of satan's existence. A denial of satan does not nullify his true existence. And a denial of worship of him does not release a people from being slaves to him. One fundamental principle of creation is that every person of mankind must either worship God or worship satan (Matthew 6:24). We sometimes refer to this as the "either or" principle. It is exemplified in other areas of life. Another example: all humans must be either males or females. There's no way out of it. It must be understood that when mankind's Creator, God, first created man, man was created in God's kingdom and first worshipped God. But when mankind fell from their created state of righteousness, satan became the lord and king of all mankind, and all are born into the world as his slaves and worshippers regardless of their heathen beliefs. The only way out of this awful enslavement to satan is salvation through the Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. This is what God's salvation is all about. One thing further we would point out is that the atheist we quoted also erroneously believes that he is not a sinner simply because he doesn't agree with God's definition of sin. But a disagreement with the true divine definition of sin does not release a person from being a sinner. Deception is no salvation from sin. Only Christ Jesus is salvation (Acts 4:12).
Lauren a.k.a. Ray (actually Robert T. Lee of tencommandments.org)

[Posting to alt.atheism: 01 August 2001]
[Stop laughing, this is meant to be serious!]

Foolish Skeptics! Behold And Be Amazed! KNOW WHAT YOUR STARSIGN MEANS! BEHOLD AND BE AMAZED, FOOLISH SKEPTICS AND NON-BELIEVERS!: Back when Astrology was invented around 5 BC, only six of the nine planets were known. However, with the discovery of Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto, we now know that there are more heavenly bodies to influence our fate than was once thought.
The stars, which are merely tiny little holes in the sky many miles away, can influence our future. It stands to reason that planets, which are huge balls of spirit energy circling the Earth no more than a few hundred yards distant, can influence our future even more than the stars do.
Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto-- which are so close that occasionally aircraft in the Bermuda Triangle crash into them-- have a profound influence over who we are and what happens to us. The motions of these outer planets tell us almost as much as the lines on our palms, the lumps on our head, or the cards that we deal.
I have re-cast the profiles of the different star signs based on the influences of these new planets.
In other words, for thousands of years Astrologers have been wrong, and I alone am correct.
Since I have no "formal" training in Astrology, nobody has told me what I can or cannot do. This has left me free of the bias and dogma of the "conventional" big-money Astrological Establishment interests to pursue my study of what I call "Alternative Astrology."
Some of what you see may surprise and shock you. You may call me mad. They said the same thing of Gallileo. They said the same thing about Fleishman and Pons. But in my Alternative Astrology profiles you will find a specificity and candor lacking from so called "conventional" Astrology. And all of this is based solely upon the tried and true ancient method of calculating what effect the N-rays coming from stars have upon the thousands of tiny little monkeypeople that live in our armpits.
Behold and be amazed!
Aries Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 Life is a string of constant crises and emergent situations. You never have a moment of peace. You live in terror.
Taurus : Apr. 21 - May 20 :ou have an immunity to Poison Ivy. Amaze your friends by rubbing it on your arms at every opportunity. I dare you.
Gemini May 21 - June 21 That voice in your head is your evil twin.
Cancer June 22 - July 22Cancer the crab has a tough outer shell. However, those who know you best realize that underneath that tough exterior lies someone soft and fishy. You live by eating the excrement of others.
Leo July 23 - Aug. 22 Lions come from Africa. That is why all Leo's are of African descent. This is a central tennent of Astrology and how we know that Astrology works.
Virgo Aug. 23 - Sep. 22 Who are you fooling? You're no virgin! Virgos are all tramps and sluts.
Libra Sep. 23 - Oct. 23 The sign of the scales has an innate ability to cure inner-ear and equilibrium disorders by the laying on of hands. Try this on the train the next time someone stumbles. Just put your hands on their ears and shout "You are HEALED!"
Scorpio Oct. 24 - Nov. 22 You are a mighty warrior. We rely upon you to destroy Gemini. You constantly seek battle at every opportunity to prove your bravery. You are alergic to chocolate.
Sagittarius Nov. 23 - Dec. 21 You are going to die penniless and unloved. You will do nothing with your life. Your existence is meaningless. You throw-up on roller coasters.
Capricorn Dec. 22 - Jan. 20 You are the Son of God. The Messiah. The King of the Jews. Yes, I know, there ARE a lot of them.
Aquarius Jan. 21 - Feb. 18 Aquarians are skeptical and do not believe in astrology.
Pisces Feb. 19 - Mar. 20 You have a strong, fishy body odor. But because everyone likes you, they don't want to hurt your feelings by telling you. If you try really hard, you can breathe under water.
Weekly Horoscopes by Ian are for entertainment purposes only. They do not replace the advice of a lawyer, therapist, trusted friend, friendly stranger, raving lunatic, or allopathic physician. They are, however, every bit as good as the advice of any psychic, medium, astrologer, homeopath, self-deceived fool or two-bit con artist.
There are enough people to tell you why horoscopes and astrology are not real, that I don't feel like I have to. If you need to know why astrology is a complete and total anachronistic fiction, check out my homepage at: http://www.weblemur.com/ where you will find links to places such as CSICOP and The New England Skeptical Society. I myself am content to just make fun of the silliness.
You can also subscribe to my Free Weekly Horscopes to be further amazed! http://www.egroups.com/group/WeeklyHoroscope
If you still believe in horoscopes, turn your computer off before you break something.

[Posting to sci.skeptic : 15 January 2001]

The Status Of Islam In Korea: Greetings brothers and sisters. I am very sad to inform you about the difficult times Muslims are having in Southern Korea. I felt that those who did not know, should know. For those of you that do not know, the Right Wing Nationalist party has recently taken power in Korea, and this group has made a vow to get rid of all Muslims that are in Korea, either by executing them, imprisoning them, or exiling them.
Muslims are arrested by Nationalist authorities, taken to court, and sentenced to harsh punishments just for being Muslims. The Nationalist government has even set up a comitee designed to think up new crimes to charge Muslims with, and what punishments should be given out. All decisions are made at the Institute for Severe Legislature Against Muslims (ISLAM).
Clearly ISLAM is a threat to all Muslims, and Allah's religion, in Korea. Fortunately there has been a small band of brothers in Korea who have taken up arms, and are seeking to destroy ISLAM by any means necessary. This band of warriors from the Korean Muslim community has formed its own underground guerilla army, known as Korean Ummah Freedom Resistance (KUFR). Muslims around the world must support KUFR, and ensure that ISLAM is destroyed! KUFR is the only thing that stands in the way of ISLAM, and we must all see that KUFR triumphs!
Unfortunately the Nationalist government has also begun a vicious propagana campaign. The government seized control of the media and the educational system, and has exposed Allah's religion to severe slander and libel, while promoting Nationalism. The main source of this propaganda is a compilation of essays written by various Korean Nationalists, titled the "Korean Organized Readings About Nationalism" (KORAN).
Please help ensure that the KORAN is not read in schools! Fortunately, Muslims who support KUFR, and have vowed to destroy ISLAM, have got their hands on copies of the KORAN and burned it. The future of Muslims in Korea can only be saved if every copy of the KORAN is destroyed! This is going to be an uphill battle, but Allah is on the Muslim's side in the battle to destroy ISLAM.
Also, the brave Korean Muslims who have resisted Islam have recently been getting help from wealthy and powerful Muslim groups in other countries. Praise be to Allah, a Kuwaiti billionaire now living in Japan named Sayyid Haakim Adnan has offered to help. Brother S H Adnan, may Allah be pleased with him, has a major compound in Nagoya, where he trains Muslims from all over the Arab world in the art of Ninjitsu. These Muslim Ninjas are taught Islam and Martial Arts simultaneously, and are among the greatest fighters on the planet. These men are known as Sayyid Haakim Adnan's Islamically Trained Arab Ninjas (SHAITAN). In fact the United States got its idea for Navy Seals from seeing SHAITAN in action.
Also, the government of the United Arab Emirates has offered to help. Currently some of the top scientists from Dubai are trying to create new light-weight weapons and explosives, that do more damage, thus helping the guerilla army. As you read this, the multi-billion dollar Dubai Airforce Jumbo Jet Airborne Laboratory (DAJJAL) is hovering 50,000 feet above the city of Seoul, with scientists inside working diligently to create new weapons, and then drop them down to the resistence. Insha'allah, the DAJJAL will be one of the key players in eliminating ISLAM.
One thing DAJJAL has already done for the Korean Muslims, aside from create some great new weapons, is design a new food product. The Arab scientists in the airborne laboratory designed a food that has all the essential vitamins needed, plus it is loaded with protein, and is known to give men great amounts of strength (not to mention it's 100% vegetarian, and therefore Halal). This new genetically engineered food is called Precooked Organic Red Kale (PORK). It is light weight, thus great amounts can be carried around by Muslims who are fighting in the feild, and spend long days or weeks on missions. There are roughly 2,000 Muslims in Korea that are on a strict diet of nothing but PORK.
Yemen has also offered some of its considerable power to help out. Few people know about the Space Program in Yemen, but it is very advanced. They created a satellite that uses flourine as both fuel and light. This "halogen satellite" can easily lift off, leave orbit, and scope out Nationalist miliary defense bases. Furthermore, it can fire various weapons which can disable planes on the ground or in flight, and attack other targets as well. This amazing piece of futuristic defense hardware was created exclusively by Arab scientists, putting to rest any silly claims that the West is far more advanced, and is called the Yemenite Arab Halogen Outer Orbit Defense Satellite (YAHOODS).
As we speak, ISLAM is causing much trouble in Korea, but many Muslims are joining the side of KUFR. Insha'allah, the DAJJAL and the YAHOODS will work together with SHAITAN, and we will see the day when ISLAM is destroyed in Korea, along with every single copy of the KORAN.
Sincerely,
Ghazali Abd'Hubaali ad-Dajjali Faqtululyahood Abdal'Rasulul-lat Ahmeddeedat Jackson Shabazz.
--
Islam- the name of the religion of Muslims.
Kufr- "disbelief," and in some sense even "blasphemy."
Dajjal- The Islamic equivalent of the Anti-Christ.
Shaitan- The Islamic equivalent of the devil, Satan, et cetera.
Yahoods- without the 's' "Yahood" is the Arabic word for Jew.
Koran- (also Qur'an) the Islamic equivalent of the bible.
Halal- Islamic equivalent of "Kosher."
Pork- Muslims are prohibited by their religion to eat pork.

[Posting to alt.atheism.satire : 17 May 2000]

The Holocaust Is Fake!: Greetings Atheists!
Well I see that revealing the true mentality of an Atheist has gotten many of you Atheists shaking in your booties. That first entry is only the beginning, but for now, since this is a debate group, let's debate. Many people have been duped into believing that the Holocaust is real. This is ridiculous. The Holocaust is not real. In fact, the entire World War II was made up! If any of you have seen that movie Whack the Dog, then you'd know exactly how it was done. That's right! World War II was a Hollywood production created in order to feed their avarice desires and to keep the Democrats in office. The main players of World War II were just your typical Hollywood actors. In fact, Adolf Hitler was played by Charlie Chaplin himself. The "real" videos taken of the death camps were actually of inner city children in inner city schools. As you can see, it was all a sham. The most ridiculous, and yet most widely believed, act of the fake war was the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Wonder why the mushroom cloud of the atomic bomb looks like a mushroom? They created the mushroom scene by burning a mushroom. Another reason that makes it clear that World War II is fake is the fact that Jesus would never allow innocent people to die like this. Jesus loves all and He is our father, so He would never dare allow innocent people, let alone His People, the Jews, to die horrible deaths like that, even if they did fool an entire world by making it think that the Holocaust happened. Although I have proved my point very clearly, I'm sure some Atheists will try to debunk me. Just let me warn you: I have studied what I know, have you?
--
Professional Christianity
MariahIsLord@softhome.net

[Posting to alt.atheism.satire : 14 March 2000]

Another Fundy Dogma Card

     __Another Fundy Dogma Card.__
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     %  Dogma, giving it to the  %
     %  Flock for generations..  %
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The Atheist Agenda: The atheist agenda has been divided into teams and we want to congratulate them on their good work.
The brown team has been making phony fossils and planting them for scientists. Thanks to their great work almost all scientists are convinced the world is billions of years old. Keep up the good work guys.
The white team has been putting phony red shifted lights in the sky that look like distant galaxies. Astronomers see these and conclude the light from them has been travelling for billions of years instead of a few microseconds. Great art work.
The black team goes into print shops that produce bibles and introduces contradictions and nonsense. Cain knew his wife sort of stuff. Thanks to black team nobody with a brain believes the bible anymore.
The blue team frames priests as child molesters and ministers as embezzlers. Thanks to blue team nobody can see a TV evangelist without laughing.
The purple team disguises themselves as famous religious leaders and makes nonsense statements to the press. Great work on the teletubbies.
Charles Fiterman

[Posting to alt.atheism : 25 October 1999]

Top 10 Things To Do In Church

Find an empty seat, and ask the person next to it: "Is this seat SAVED?"
Wear an ankh or a new-age crystal pendant.
If there is a crying baby, go over and tell the mother: "IF YOU DON'T SHUT THAT GODDAMN THING UP SO HELP ME GOD I'LL KILL IT!!!"
Dress all in black, or in camo.
Hide near the baptismal pool with a block of sodium. At the first mention of "fire and brimstone", throw it in.
Make the sun reflect off your watch into the preacher's face.
During the service, play with plastic dinosaurs. If someone asks what you're doing, tell them: "These are dinosaurs. They ruled the earth over 65 million years ago."
Snicker every time the preacher talks about someone being stoned, especially Stephen.
Ask someone what they think about the Book of Peleponnesians. After they tell you, inform them that there is no Book of Peleponnesians.
Write on the bathroom wall: "The eyes of the LORD are upon you!!!"

Teresita Redinger

[Posting to alt.atheism : 30 September 1999]

Kansas Takes The Lead In Tossing Out The Trash In Education Evolution Takes A Dive, Thought To Have Drowned In Its Own Failure Kansas Is Next Battleground In Evolution Debate: Hooray for Kansas! About time the people stood up to the liberal atheistic elitists who are shoving this godless "theory" down our children's throats. Because that is all it is: a theory. Allow me to repeat that: evolution is not a fact, it is a THEORY.
So they've done well, there in Kansas, but I urge them not to stop now. This action was a step, a courageous step, but there's a lot of work left to be done. There are a lot of self-described "theories" yet left in the curriculum, and I suggest we seize this chance to weed them out.
To start with, biology still has something it calls the "Cell Theory". Toss it! Leave another "theory" in place, and you leave the satanic evolutionists a talking point, albeit a feeble and transparent one.
Chemistry: I don't want our children getting one-sided presentations of the so-called "Atomic Theory". I understand it was started in the old days by those pagan Greeks, and with paganism making a comeback, we hardly need our children to be lectured one of its "theories", without any rebuttal from the religious point of view. Many, many religions tell us that the elements are 1) Earth, 2) Air, 3) Fire, and 4) Water. So why do they only allow the one "theory" without any fair time for other truths? And how do they explain that the Atomic Theory is constantly getting patched up; it seems like they never quite get the number of so-called "elements" right. It's not a FACT, it's a "theory". Chuck it!
Physics: time to clean house of Newton's Theory of Gravitation. It's wrong, by the way, even the "scientists" will admit that - not that this ever makes the stop and consider the idea that a "theory" is just that. And the so-called "Theory of Relativity" and the "Quantum Theory". Have you ever heard what these jokes are all about? No one with a shred of common sense could listen to them without completely cracking up!
Astronomy: the "Copernican Theory". The Earth goes around the Sun? It's just a theory. Need I say more? That's a start. We can't undo decades of godless secular humanistic damage in a day. Let's get rid of these, and then maybe we can go on to things like "Number Theory", which is filled of things called "Conjectures". A THEORY full of CONJECTURES! And they're teaching this stuff to our CHILDREN. Just look at what we've come to in this country.
Hooray for Kansas! Watch and learn, America!
--
Cary Kittrell

[Posting to alt.atheism : 12 August 1999]

Religion Will Free Us From Violence: The religious conservatives want us to believe that guns have absolutely nothing to do with school shootings. Who in their right mind would think that they do?
All we need is to put the ten commandments and prayer back in school. Oh yeah, and more guns. Sure some kid might be outcast or beat up if they refuse to join in the prayers or a "moment of silence", but who cares, they're probably going to hell anyway. The ten commandments might offend someone who's not a Christian, but once again, they're going to hell too, so who cares?
Look at all that the teaching of religion has done to stop violence throughout our world. Look at Ireland. The Catholics and the Protestants have learned to get along just fine. The Catholics and the Moslems in Yugoslavia welcome each other with open arms. And you just can't help but admire how well the Jews and the Palestinians are getting along with each other.
Yes, religion and prayer are the answer. It has always worked and it always will.
Tztrzluska Zebrinski

[Posting to alt.atheism.satire : 22 June 1999]

The Ark Is Still Open: Jesus said, "As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. For in the days before the flood, people were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, up to the day Noah entered the ark; and they knew nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them all away. That is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man." (Matthew 24:37-39)
Yeah, Noah earnestly warned the people that God was going to destroy the earth with a flood. They laughed and ridiculed him. Why, you say?? Well, until then it had never rained [uh-huh. Well, this must be true otherwise you wouldn't have said it, and if you said it then it must be true]. Just the same, none living on the earth has seen Christ come in the clouds, but He will one day [xians have been saying that every day for the past 2000 years, and… but of course: this time it's really going to happen]. You see, the day came when God closed the ark door and the rain fell. Those outside realized their folly and pleaded for Noah to let them in, but it was too late. The Blood of the Lamb is our ark of safety. The door is still open, and there is room for you. My prayer is that you will come in and rest before "the storm" strikes. One day shortly God is going to close the door of salvation just as He did with the ark of Noah. Will you be caught out in the cold, or will you be embracing the One who shed His blood for you?? Ultimately, the choice is yours. Come while God's hand of mercy is extended [Is this the same kind of mercy he showed to the victims of Joshua's genocide?].
Serving Him,
XaltHim (William J. Tressler Jr.)

[Posting to alt.bible.errancy : 17 May 1999]

Atheism = Hell [Christ, that's original. Did you think of that all by yourself?]: I am sending you all this letter to tell you the truth, there is a god Allah and there is his religion, Islam. [Here you say 'a' god but Islam claims he's the only one, or didn't you know that?] And if you do not accept Islam you will find out that there is a hell! [Careful now, you're beginning to frighten me.] At the start of it all was God. [What came before this god of yours?] Yes there is a God and on Judgement day you will all meet him! He had his chosen people the Jews. [Bit of a bummer for the rest of the world, then.] The broke the covanant with God. He sent another prophet, Jesus. The Christians started to worship him, but Jesus knew that Muhammad was comming! [Strange how he never mentions this in his own book of myths. Oh, I see: it's a secret.] Then God gave us Islam. You need to accept Islam or you will discover a hell. [So there's more than one?] And I will be in this newsgroup untill you do! [Oh, please! Can't you go, must you stay?]
Muhammad

[Posting to alt.atheism : 10 May 1999]

Please Give My Teeth to Jesus: NEW YORK (EAP) -- Strange things happen every day they say, and a note found on the bedside table of an 81-year-old New York man who died in his sleep last night makes one think about how strange some people's beliefs actually are.
"Please give my teeth to Jesus because the tooth fairy has failed to show up to collect them," the note said.
Edward Croffard, of Manhattan, died of heart failure last night and was found by his son, Edmund Croffard, who came to check up on his aging father earlier this morning.
"I found my dad dead in his bed with a bag of teeth clutched in his left hand. I couldn't figure out what the meaning of the teeth were until I read the note," said Croffard.
"My father apparantly still believed in the tooth fairy when he died. It seems that he wanted someone to pass his teeth on to Jesus so that Jesus could give his teeth to the tooth fairy."
Edmund says he'll honor his father's wishes and will sleep with the bag of teeth under his pillow for the remainder of his life, and has written his own note which passes the teeth down to his son Ernie in case Jesus dosen't return in his lifetime.
"My dad may have been on to something. Nobody has ever proven that the tooth fairy dosen't exist, so I will respect my father's wishes," Edmund said.
--
Elroy
BAAWA Undercover News Division

[Posting to alt.atheism.satire : 24 March 1999]

Ship of Fools [Do you have the double-CD from Delerium Records?]: Atheism - Like Titanic - Ship of Fools [The Titanic was not a 'ship of fools' but rather one of the grandest of its time; politics and publicity over-rode the original designs - the rest is history, and Cameron's admittedly visually impressive film copied most of its set pieces from the British "A Night To Remember".]
Going down and not knowing it! [I could insert a crude comment here, but will restrain myself.] Or Taking Heed! Know the Truth and the truth will set you free…[That's a good summary of precisely why I'm an atheist] Your going down [here we go again], by choice [always], your choice…
Don't Like God now? [How can I like or dislike something in which I do not believe and whose existence remains continually undemonstrated? The believers are, however, a different matter.] Why spend eternity with Him? [An inconceivable amount of time with an inconceivable creature is an inconceivable possibility.]
But He Loves you enough to come to this earth [are there others earths we don't know about?] to die in your place [only to allegedly rise again 3 days later - hardly a great sacrifice], VICTORY is in JESUS… not this world [so leave this world, and let the rest of us try and make it a better one] .
Preach-It 101
Wayne (Deal with it) [tough talk from someone who hides behind a fake e-mail address]
"Wayne"

[Posting to alt.atheism : 10 March 1999]
[Even by the standards of theists who post to these groups, this is a pathetic mess.]

3 Reasons Why I Love Being Christian: I love God. Here are three reasons why being Christian is great:
1) I don't have to worry about thinking for myself, because my priest thinks FOR me. You poor fools have to spend your days thinking about different perspectives, in order to make informed decisions. You fools with your rational thinking, ethics, logic and reason! If God wanted me to think for myself, he would have written it in the Bible.
2) The Bible promises that I'll be rewarded, for curtailing my enjoyment of THIS life, in my after-life. I don't really know what this after-life is going to be like, but my priest says, "You'll like it. Trust me. Please keep the donation-tray moving, my son." You guys, on the other hand, think that life should be lived to its fullest. Dorks.
3) I don't have to worry about being responsible for my actions, because my religion says that regardless of what atrocities I inflict on mankind, I'll be forgiven if I accept the Lord as my personal savior. HAAA-HAAA!!! You poor atheists would rather take responsibility for your own actions. Suckers! I love being Christian. It's so liberating not having to think for myself. I can't wait to see what happens when I die. Oh boy, I can't wait!
From: "Joe Christian"

[Posting to alt.atheism : 02 March 1999]

Re: Operation Desert-Fox 666: Klaus ^[*], what with you being a Prophet and all that, perhaps you could explain something to me regarding one of your predecessors?
How come Jesus was nailed to the cross? Wouldn't it have been a lot more efficient to screw him on? Apart from anything else, it would then have been a lot easier to get him off once he'd died. But because they used nails, I imagine the Roman soldiers had to use some sort of claw hammer to prise the things out at the end, no doubt with some difficulty. Maybe they had to knock them out through the back, too. All of this risked damaging the wood, possibly so seriously that the cross couldn't be used again.
But with a Philips screwdriver and just three heavy-duty screws, Jesus could have been secured quickly and easily, with minimum risk of his coming loose and dropping off mid-way through the crucifixion. And of course at the end, it would have been possible to remove him in just a few seconds, and re-use both the cross and the screws.
Similarly, if the soldiers had fucked up and accidentally put him on upside down, they could have just unscrewed him, turned him the right way up, and re-done him. Or if, having screwed him on, they'd stepped back and seen that he wasn't quite level, they could have just unscrewed one arm, inched it up slightly, and re-screwed it. Whereas if you nailed him up and he wasn't level, there wasn't a fuck of a lot you could do about it. You just had to live with it, I suppose, and hope the spectators didn't laugh.
Anyway, the Romans obviously weren't very economy minded when it came to basic woodwork, which goes some way towards explaining the ultimate decline and fall of their empire.
Michael Hewitt
"I want it, and I want it now."

[Posting to alt.bible.prophecy : 15 January 1999]
[* Dr. Klaus Wagner Multi-Media Apocalypse 2000 online: Our Future Revealed:
http://home.t-online.de/home/072722649
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Delphi/6672
Ancient biblical predictions about our present time and future.]

Re: Operation Desert-Fox 666: Klaus, I've just visited your web site ^[*] and seen all the stuff about Princess Diana.
Like you, I, too, am appalled by the amount of useless tat generated by the tragic death of Diana. We are being overwhelmed by cheap commemorative plates, pictures, officially endorsed margarine tubs, and other tacky souvenirs. What particularly irked me were recent plans - thankfully now shelved - to produce a children's doll modelled after the Princess' likeness.
How pointless can you get?
Far better, in my opinion, to bring out a Lady Di blow-up doll. This would allow monarchists both to contribute to the Princess Diana Memorial Fund, and, more importantly, to go all the way in demonstrating their true and undying love for the late Queen of Hearts.
As well as helping to assuage basic needs, the Diana inflatable could be used in exactly the same way as the genuine article. For example, you could stick it in the middle of a minefield and take photographs of it. Or you could stick it in an opera seat and take photographs of it. Or you could prop it up in the midde of an operating theatre and take photographs of it. And if you got pissed while driving your car, crashed into the side of a tunnel, and damaged the Diana inflatable, unlike the genuine article, you'd be able to quickly and easily restore it to working order using nothing more than an Elastoplast and a foot-pump.
Thinking about it, the nozzle for the pump should be located in the doll's arse. This would allow the True Devotee to experience the ultimate Diana fantasy: he could stick a garden hose in there and pretend he's giving her a colonic irrigation.
Michael Hewitt
"I want it, and I want it now."

[Posting to alt.bible.prophecy : 14 January 1999]
[* Dr. Klaus Wagner Multi-Media Apocalypse 2000 online: Our Future Revealed:
http://home.t-online.de/home/072722649
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Delphi/6672
Ancient biblical predictions about our present time and future.]

Chimps Find God!: SCIENTIFIC NEWS- JAN 10- 15:00 GMT- Two scientists have today revealed that during a 10 year study of primates, their laboratory specimens have actually formed the basis of what could be termed as a religion.
Dr P. Rose-Homme and his colleague Dr G. Aucundieu were amazed as they observed a repetive pattern occur whenever one of the scientists appeared in the laboratory. The chimpanzees stopped their activities and offered food or prostrated themselves. Over a period of years the behaviour patterns adapted further within the small colony of 20 chimps.
"It was fascinating as it gave us a wonderful insight to what may have occurred with prehistory man."
In Dr Rose-Homme's report, he also tells of what happened when they tried to mix the chimps with a new group that showed none of this behaviour.
"It was very distressing. When the new chimps did not follow the same ritual patterns, they were immediately set upon and killed by the original group."
It is the birth of new chimps and their upbringing which has fascinated the scientists most. The newborns over several weeks were continually shown how to behave and were punished viciously when they did not follow the correct actions.
Religious groups that have found out about the chimps have shown differing views.
"We have demanded access to the chimps, so that we can show them the one true path of the Lord."
"It is an abomination! These creatures are a blight to God's eyes!"
"It is surely a miracle that God's dumb creatures have been chosen to lead the masses."
Rumours were also that the birth of the chimps may have marked the second coming, though the Vatican has strongly denied any suggestion that Jesus could return as a chimpanzee.
"Don't be ridiculous! That would be blasphemous."
Both scientists have gone into hiding after death threats and intense media interest. The location of the 'enlightened monkeys' still remains secret.
--------------
As if we didn't have enough religous types!
PinkyMan #1365

[Posting to alt.atheism : 11 January 1999]

How Should Atheists Cuss?: Craig Hoyer wrote:-
I seem to be oblivious to my own reason. In moments of stress, I find myself swearing inappropriate epithets. For example, after reading posts once mired in the Bay of Fundy, I might say something like, "Jesus, how can he ignore….", or, Goddamned son of a…" (virgin?). My problem is my habit is starting to bug me enough to make me change it. Are there any alternatives?
Vaya con Darwin

Earle Jones replied:-
Craig: Hi! If you're really pissed, you can use this: "Jesus was a whining Jewish bastard and an unproductive hallucinating hippy who whined like a pussy while pinned to a stick. His mother was a two-bit, Roman-soldier-fucking whore, and the Holy Spirit is a lying deceitful servant of Satan. The bible is crap, people who believe it are idiots, and blasphemy is a victimless crime because the whole fetid pile of christianic mythology is a ficticious crock of shit." If you want something more hostile, let me know.

[Posting to alt.atheism.satire : 10 December 1998]

10 New Reasons To Believe In JESUS

Hi I realize that a lot of atheists are here but no doubt they are atheists because they haven't given very much thought to JESUS (or much else for that matter) [I see, start off with an attempted insult.]
Therefore, I present ten new reasons to believe in Jesus. ['new'?] Please think them over carefully, if you can. [another attempted insult] I have spent many years coming up with them, so you shouldn't dismiss them out of hand. [I promise I shan't - they will be dismissed after I've given reasons]
P.S. Please don't respond to this message - I never read this newsgroup. I don't really read my email often. If you make the subject "I NOW BELIEVE IN JESUS" I might read it [so you place a challenge and walk away from the responses? Not that you're dogmatic, of course. BTW, 'P.S.' is short for 'Post Script' and as such is meant to go at the end, not the beginning].

Everything has a cause - and those causes have causes - and those causes must have been caused by something - JESUS. [Um… OK, I'll bite: so what caused JESUS? (see, I can use the CAPS key as well) If it was God, what caused God? If Jesus or God don't need a cause then you've just contradicted yourself.]
You're better off believing in JESUS because what do you have to lose - besides eternal damnation. [Pascal is a good programming language (as in Delphi) but a vacuous wager. You also need to establish the state you call 'damnation' is real outside your belief in it]
JESUS is LORD. [Of what? The Rings? How is this dubious statement meant to be a valid reason?]
JESUS is either LORD, LIAR or LUNATIC - but the bible says he rose from the dead. [You just said he was LORD. The bible also says that snakes eat dirt and other hilariously erroneous things, but then if it's in the bible it must be true because it's, um… in the bible. Yawn. False trilemma and circular reasoning: you haven't even established that your JESUS existed]
The second law of thermodynamics says that you shouldn't have so much order in the world - so the only possible explanation is JESUS. [2LoT doesn't say anything of the kind, but then you wouldn't know because you evidently haven't read it. Even if it did, there could be many other explanations. Why choose the J solution? (Sounds like an advert for a bathroom cleaner: "Cleanse your spirit, clear your soul, heaven is the promised goal. Use the new J-solution™ to bring heaven to your bathroom.")]
If there is no LORD, it can't hurt to believe in JESUS. [Same as #2. So that's only 9 reasons.]
Hoedels incompleteness thereom combined with Geisenburg's uncertainty postulate says that the world should be logically impossible. But since it is here, it must be because of JESUS. [Are you serious?! 'Gödel' and 'Heisenberg' you cretin. Why should JESUS be the cause of everything? Did you know that according to your book of mythology it was God who made the world?]
I've seen him myself in visions - and you can too, if you pray enough. [I can see plenty of things as well if I close my eyes and think hard enough. Best tell your doctor about the hallucinations (oh, sorry, 'visions') in case you have an embolism.]
Why else would so many people in the world beleive in JESUS? [Herd mentality, a desire for meaning in their otherwise empty lives, fear of death, the need to feel special in a vast and impartial universe which doesn't give a damn about them, etc, etc. What about all the others who don't? And they outnumber those who do.]
JESUS is LORD. [Same as #3. Down to 8 reasons.]

p.s. there really is a Hell (in Norway!) [Oh, wow, that's funny, that's so original! BTW, as you've already had one 'P.S.', this should be a 'p.p.s.']
Like i said before - dont respond to this - just think about it with an open mind, if you have one. [End as you began, with an attempt at an insult. This posting has been as circular as your 'argument'.]
Remember: minds are like parachutes- they only function when open! [Is this honestly the best you can do after 'many years'?]
einstein@fiberia.com

[Posting to alt.atheism : 05 December 1998]

Atheists In Hell: Hear my judgment, oh atheists:
At the termination of your fleshly existence, you shall be examined for conformity -- your life's record revealed and scrutinized by… [wait for it… wait for it… drrrum-rrroll…] Jesus Christ. If you knew Him [is this in the biblical sense?], your sins [I don't recognise your concept of sin, so keep it to yourself] though they be as scarlet will be washed away. If you knew Him not -- his face set against you -- you will be cast into the Lake of Fire.
As you go about a willful, meaningless existence [my life is not meaningless to me], here [as opposed to where? by definition, wherever I am is 'here'], meditate well, oh brothers [oh brother! no sisters?]: whether you elect to spend an eternity of time roiling [good word, that] and writhing in Hell -- or, whether you will live in perpetual joy and fulfillment with Christ.
Mary Jones

[Posting to alt.atheism : 02 December 1998]

Prophecies Most Christians Never Knew Were Already Fulfilled: Do you seek evidence of prophecies fulfilled? Below are a few Scriptures that can be PROVEN TO HAVE BEEN FULFILLED ALREADY.
-----------------------------------
SIGNS THAT SHOW JESUS WILL RETURN IN OUR DAY [Read your own bible - it doesn't say that at all.]
-----------------------------------
Accumulation of wealth - James 5:1-8 [So we all have to be poor and suffer for it? Just because Jesus did it and Mother Teresa wanted everyone else to do it, doesn't mean it is a good thing.]
Capital/Labor troubles - James 5:1-8 [Phew! The slaves are revolting!]
War preparations - Matthew 24:6,7; Revelation 11:18 [Hardly surprising given that there are alwasy a few people willing to destroy or steal what others have built or made.]
Increase of knowledge - Daniel 12:4 [Anyone else would call this progress, but to the xians it's a fulfilled prophecy.]
Unrest, upheaval - Luke 21:25-27 [Common for the times your stories were written, and not exactly unusual nowadays. Another pointless reference.]
Craze for pleasure - II Timothy 3:1-4 [To be a true xian you have to suffer and want others to.]
Religious skepticism - Luke 18:8 [That's right, take it all on faith.]
Intemperance, physical decay - Luke 17:26-30 [2LoT strikes again, but then according to you your God made the universe this way.]
Falling away from Bible truth - II Timothy 4:1-4 [Which bible? What truth?]
Moral degeneracy and decline of spirituality - II Timothy 3:1-5 [Morals are relative (oh, sorry, I keep forgetting yours are the only ones to use), and as for being 'spiritual'… well, like, hey, man, let's have a joint.]
Unparalleled travel - Daniel 12:4 [Is this a joke? Wow, people being able to travel is a genuine, fulfilled prophecy!]
Destructive earthquakes, cyclones, famines, etc. - Matthew 24:7 [Yup, you can't trust nature, can you?]
Abounding lawlessness - Matthew 24:12 ; II TImothy 3:1-5 [Being without Lucy Lawless? Oh, sorry, wrong fantasy.]
Scoffers - II Peter 3:3-5 [Who, me?]
Communication with spirits - I Timothy 4:1-2 [No, that was another scam, started by two girls who cracked their toes. Or do you mean talking to a bottle of whisky?]
Deceptive miracles - Revelation 16:14; II Corinthians 11:13-15 [You mean there are unambiguous miracles?]
Great peace movements - I Thessalonians 5:1-6 [Funny thing, that. You'd think that peace was the last thing most people would want in their lives.]
False christs/prophets - Matthew 24:24 [So how do you distinguish the real ones?]
People will be too busy - Luke 21:34 ; Matthew 24:37-39 [To do what? Waste even more time praying? Oh, that's right, I forgot: life isn't meant to be enjoyed, but suffered.]
Men will have power to destroy the earth - Revelation 11:18 [It doesn't say anything of the kind, just that those who destroy the earth would in turn be destroyed, but you wouldn't want to spoil a good thing by actually reading your book of myths, would you?]
Increasing crime and evil - II Timothy 3:1-5,13 [Every generation of recorded history has been saying that about their own times.]
Denial of creation - II Peter 3:3-6 [So there were thinkers back then as well? Good for them.]
Fear, distress of nations - Luke 21:25,26 [Oh, woe, woe is me!]
Heresy and apostasy - II Thessalonians 2:3); II Peter 2:1,2 [Whose G/god(s)?]
Children disobedient to parents - II Timothy 3:1,2 [<Gasp!> Has this never happened before in all of human history? How about John 2:4, supposedly quoting Jeses speaking to his mother "… Woman, what have I to do with thee? …"]
Truce breakers - II Timothy 3:1,3 [You just can't trust anyone, can you?]
Foul, blasphemous speech - II Timothy 3:1,2 [Oh fuck. Then I suppose saying "Jesus H Christ" when I stub my toe is out of the question?]
Rise of many false religions - Il Peter 2:1,2 ; Matthew 24:24; I Timothy 4:1-4 ; Revelation 18:2A,5 [Who says they're false? What about all the other religions who say you are false? Oh, of course, they're all dupes of your Satan construct.]
Giving of special message to all the world to prepare people for Christ's coming - Matthew 24:14; Revelation 14:6-14 ["We interrupt this programme to bring you an important announcement …"]
EVER LEARNING AND NEVER COMING TO A KNOWLEDGE OF THE TRUTH - II Timothy 3:1,7 [That's because there is no ultimate 'truth' set in dogmatic concrete.]
Divorce "without natural affection" - Matthew 24:37-39; Cf Genesis 6:2; IITimothy 3:1-5 [Many people divorce and remain friends. What's your point?]
If you have extra time, please read Matthew, Chapter 24; and Luke, chapter 21. These chapters both list many signs of the Lords return.
------------------------------------
Above list was compiled by "A Bible Prophecy Adventure" Reveleation Seminars Exihibit #3 Lesson 9
------------------------------------
****
Do you seek genuine prophecy that can be easily verified by the Word of an Almighty and ever living Creator God as well as documented history and/or current events? I have compiled all the evidence of the fulfillment of the Prophecies that Jesus said must occur before He returns.You will no doubt find this manuscript very helpful in your studies. I have documented historic facts within it proving Prophetic fulfillment of prophecies that MOST people believe have yet to be fulfilled! Thanks to cover ups in "modern media" [Oh no, not another FBI / CIA / NSA / KGB / MI5 / MI6 cover-up!], over 90% of all Christians I speak with had no idea that some of these prophecies were actually already fulfilled! You MUST read it SOON! It will help you understand just how wonderfully close we are to the glorious return of our King Jesus Christ!! [YES, I shall. THANK YOU for all the CAPITALISED words.]
Email me today for a !*FREE*! copy of this eye opening TRUTH PROVIDED in His Word by our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ! Email me at romans@rurilnet.org and request the file "People Get Ready!" and I will email it to you… Or you can visit my website and read MANY other documented facts that you will find soul stirring!
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--------------------------
PROPHECY # 3
THE SUN WILL BE TURNED TO DARKNESS
Matthew 24:29
Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven [If you listen very carefully, you can just about hear them (plink! tinkle!), like distant icicles shattering.], and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken:
Documented historical facts reveal…
Timothy Dwight, president of Yale, remembered that "a very general opinion prevailed, that the day of judgment was at hand. The [Connecticut] House of Representatives, being unable to transact business, adjourned," but the Council lighted candles, preferring, as a member said, "to be found at work if the judgment were approaching." (See JOHN W. BARBER, Connecticut Historical Collections [2d ed., 1836], p.403)
… If every luminous body in the universe had been shrouded in impenetrable shades, or struck out of existence, the darkness could not have been more complete. A sheet of white paper held within a few inches of the eyes was equally invisible with the blackest velvet." -SAMUEL TENNEY, Letter (1785) in Collections of the Massachusetts Historical Society, part 1, vol.1 (1792 ed.), pp.97,98
The remarkable Dark Day of May 19, 1780, is described by Samuel Williams of Harvard, The professor relates… "between the hours of ten and eleven a.m., and continued until the middle of the next night,… Candles were lighted up in houses; … the birds having sung their evening songs, disappeared, and became silent;… the fowls retired to roost; … the cocks were crowing all around, as at the break of day; … objects could not be distinguished but at a very little distance; and everything bore the appearance and gloom of night." -Memoirs of the American Academy of Arts and Sciences [through 1783], vol.1 pp. 234,235.)
How can anyone deny such documented testimonies? Did you notice who these testimonies were from? A YALE president… The Historical Society of Massachusetts… And a HARVARD professor! These are credible witness's! Over Sixteen and a half centuries earlier, the Lord Jesus said that after the tribulation period (1260 year, dark ages) ended, these signs would begin to appear! And as we always see with the prophecy of an Almighty Omnipotent God…
THEY DID BEGIN TO APPEAR!
-------------------------------------------
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Truth is truth.
…Nicholas

[Posting to alt.bible.prophecy : 19 November 1998]

> All-Purpose Troll <: The Bible, God's Word, proves God exists. The existence of the universe demands the existence of a Creator, as something cannot come from nothing. The evidence of God's wonderous creation is everywhere we look. To question God's perfect benevolence is foolish, for the infinite wisdom of God is unknowable to our finite minds. But the anti-Christian followers of Satan, or Atheists, would arrogantly presume to know more about the universe than its creator, God. Instead, they worship the dangerous amoral doctrine of Secular Humanism, and replace God with a myth they call "Evolution".
Evolutionism is absurd. Evolutionists say life just happened by random chance, and the probability of that is 10^950,000; which means it is impossible. The amount of order and complexity in living things today requires intelligent design, because things only go from better to worse. Evolution violates Newton's second law of thermodynamics. Entropy can never reduce in nature. Besides, no one has ever directly observed evolution happening - all they have seen is microevolution, because species can only evolve within kinds. And if evolutionism were true, there would be transitional fossils, but the evolutionists haven't found any yet. Which is why evolutionism is based on faith just as much as any religion. It can't be proved, that's why they call it the theory of evolution. Yet the scientific establishment is forcing their unscientific atheist dogma into our public schools. And Evolutionism isn't even mainstream science. Einstein believed in God, and Darwin (leader of the Evolutionist religion) renounced his theories on his deathbed.
Atheists worhip this theory of evolution, which says we are all just monkeys who developed by random chance from the Big Bang; and that means they have no morality and think it's OK for them to rape and kill like animals, because there is no God to tell them not to. Stalin and Mao were atheists, by the way. And look what they did in the name of atheism. Atheists join the atheist religion because they are evil, and hate God. They have rejected God and continue to deny him in favor of pursuing a sinful life.
Evan Thompson

[Posting to alt.atheism : 10 November 1998]

The HOLLOW Earth !: On January 6, 1967, the satellite ESSA-3, in very high polar orbit around the Earth, took a remarkable photograph, from straight above the North Polar area, showing a huge HOLE, about 1400 MILES in diameter, centered where the North Pole should be! The ESSA-7 satellite took an even better quality photo of this HOLE on November 23, 1968. Both photos were published in the book "Secret of the Ages--UFO's From Inside the Earth", by Brinsley Le Poer Trench, 1977.
In 1947, Admiral Richard E. Byrd flew an airplane 1700 miles into the North Polar ENTRANCE HOLE, where he saw forests, lakes, and herds of LIVE MAMMOTHS! In 1956, he flew 2300 miles into the South Polar ENTRANCE HOLE and saw the SAME kinds of things. The book "THE HOLLOW EARTH", by Dr. Raymond Bernard, Ph.D., quotes several statements made by Admiral Byrd before, during, and after these expeditions, including: "I'd like to see that land beyond the Pole. That area beyond the Pole is the center of the great unknown.", February 1947. "On January 13, members of the United States expedition accomplished a flight of 2700 miles from the base at McMurdo Sound, which is 400 miles west of the South Pole, and penetrated a land extent of 2300 miles beyond the Pole.", January 13, 1956 radio transmission. "The present expedition has opened a vast new land.", March 13, 1956. "…that enchanted continent in the sky, land of everlasting mystery.", 1957.
In 1828, Jens and Olaf Jansen, a father and son team of Norwegian fishermen, sailed their fishing boat into the North Polar ENTRANCE HOLE, and spent two years living with the friendly giants who live down there. Their experiences are described in the book "The Smoky God", (referring to the Earth's CENTRAL SUN), by Willis George Emerson, 1908, reprinted in 1965 by Health Research, (a rare-book dealer, publisher, and republisher), 8349 Lafayette St., P.O. Box 70, Mokelumne Hill, CA 95245. Other editions of this book might be available elsewhere.
The Earth is HOLLOW! Its hollow shell is about 1500 miles thick at the equator, and about 500 miles thick near the polar ENTRANCE HOLES. The North Polar ENTRANCE HOLE is about 1400 miles in diameter and centered close to the Earth's axis of rotation, while the South Polar ENTRANCE HOLE is slightly smaller, perhaps 1300 miles in diameter, and somewhat off-center. The ENTRANCE HOLES are usually filled up with some kind of fog. At the geometric center of the Earth is a glowing ball of plasma, about 600 miles in diameter, which serves as the CENTRAL SUN that warms and illuminates the Earth's inner surface. The HOLLOW Earth's shell also includes numerous HUGE ELECTRO-LUMINATED INHABITED CAVERNS like the one described in Jules Verne's 1864 novel "Journey to the Center of the Earth". (See also the book "The Under-People", by Eric Norman, 1969.) These locations, including the Earth's inner surface, are home to 25 MILLION PEOPLE!
The "Laws" of physics and gravitation NOTWITHSTANDING, People CAN and DO walk on the Earth's INNER surface, just as easily as on the outer surface. They might weigh less down there, but they are NOT weightless as orthodox physicists think they would be. For one thing, the HOLLOW Earth's shell is NEITHER uniformly thick NOR uniformly dense. In general, geophysicists are MIS-INTERPRETING their seismic data.
For more information, answers to your questions, etc., please consult my CITED SOURCES.
Robert E. McElwaine B.S., Physics and Astronomy, UW-EC
P.S.: PASS IT ON!

[Posting to alt.atheism : 03 November 1998]
[I'm almost at a loss for words on this one. It's just the sort of thing that Daniken used, which was to take an image which was itself created from a composite of many smaller photographs that were taken of the Arctic coastline and then say that where they didn't extend was a hole - ie. because the pictures didn't show the interior (because that region wasn't being photographed) then the interior didn't exist except as the black hole that was clearly visible in the final montage image.]

The Final Mission of Islam?: The mission of Islam - that glorious, civilized way of life, given to us by God and revealed to us by the Prophet Muhammad - is today basically three-fold. First, to create a true Islamic society, an Islamic State which fulls upholds and implements the Shari'ah; this society will thus be a living example of Islam, where Muslims can live as they should live, in that pure and fundamental way which is in accordance with the divine laws of Allah. Second, to undertake Dawah on a world-wide basis with the aim of not only converting others to Islam, but with the aim of creating other Islamic societies, and eventually some kind of world 'Federation' of Islamic States all of which are based upon and uphold the Shari'ah and which are more than capable of defending themselves from whatever attacks the Kafirs may launch in their bid to destroy pure Islam. Third, to follow the divine command and seek knowledge of the Cosmos itself by taking Islam out to the other planets which Allah has said exist around other stars in the Cosmos.
It is this third part which may be considered to be the Final Mission of Islam. That we as Muslims have a duty to do this - to explore via Space Travel what has become to be called 'Outer Space' - is evident not only from our Allah- given duty to seek knowledge, to understand His signs and wonder at them, but also from two particular passages of the Holy Quran:
[42:29] And among His Signs is the creation of the heavens and the earth, and the living creatures that He has scattered through both of them…
[45:13] And He has subjected to you (man), from Him, all that is in the heavens and on earth: behold, in that are Signs indeed for those who reflect.
It is through the creation of an Islamic State - or through a 'Federation' of Islamic States - that we may find the technological means to undertake this duty to explore the extra-terrestrial worlds which Allah has created and endowed with life. Furthermore, it is this vision of creating pure Islamic States and exploring Outer Space because these Islamic States and only these Islamic States will make it possible which can provide us with the uplifting inspiration many of us need in the world of today, surrounded as we are by profane materialism and enemies who seek to undermine and destroy Islam. For many of us - human as we are - need to be inspired by a noble vision which reminds us of the glory of Allah and of our own purpose and mission.
It may well be that this noble Islamic vision of such exploration, and the possible conquest that is hinted at as well - founded as it is on our duty to God, and revealed as it has been by Allah himself, is the key to successful Dawah in the countries of the West, providing them with the noble vision and inspiration which many of them seek.
"Abdul Qahaar" 25 Jumad Thani 1419

[Posting to alt.religion.islam : 16 October 1998]
[So… never mind what the rest of the world wants for itself, you're going to go on Dawah and convert us all to your faith (for our own good, of course), and as for being able to 'find the technological means', I think Russia and the USA have already done that to some extent. Don't forget that according to 55:33 ("O ye assembly of Jinns and men! If it be ye can pass beyond the zones of the heavens and the earth, pass ye! not without authority shall ye be able to pass!") you'll need permission first.]

Identity Of The Beast Revealed

Revelation 13:18 "Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six."

Following all of the numerological analyses that have been done on the bible, the following has been confirmed.

First of all, a traditional numerological analysis :-
Taking the alphabet in its normal sequence (a, b, c, etc) and assigning numbers to them in ascending order (1, 2, 3, etc), a list can be produced :-
a = 1, b = 2, c = 3, … z = 26.
From this, if the appropriate letters are taken in turn as follows :-
J = 10, E = 5, S = 19, U = 21, S = 19; and M = 13, E = 5, S = 19, S = 19, I = 9, A = 1, H = 8.
Now, 10 + 5 + 19 + 21 + 19 = 74; and 13 + 5 + 19 + 19 + 9 + 1 + 8 = 74.
Note that both sum to 74; this reduces to 11 (7 + 4), which in turn reduces to 2 (1 + 1).
So, 74 - 11 = 63, which reduces to 9, and 11 - 2 = 9, so the multiplier is revealed in two ways,
and with a simple piece of maths, the previous sum of 74 × the new reduction of 9 = 666.

This, of course, means absolutely nothing and proves even less, just like all of the other bible codes, and at least this uses all of the letters, not just the ones the authors want so they can fill in the many gaps to their own satisfaction.
It only works in English? Oh, what a pity, but unlike Drosnin at least I've used all the letters, not just the one I want to.
Read the excellent Moby Dick prophesies to see all the predictions of various assassinations.

Or if you prefer something with Roman numerals :-

Take Ellen Gould White, the woman who started Seventh-Day Adventism, and taking W = VV :

ELLEN GOULD WHITE 55 555 1 1 00 00 0 0 100+ 555+ 11 = 666

And now for an analysis more suited to the computer age :-

Using the ASCII character set, in which A = 65, B = 66, C = 67, … Z = 90.
H = 72, O = 79, L = 76, Y = 89, B = 66, I = 73, B = 66, L = 76, E = 69.
And with simple addition, 72 + 79 + 76 + 89 + 66 + 73 + 66 + 76 + 69 = 666.

For those who favour the numerous conspiracy theories involving government cover-ups and various nefarious activities performed at night by men in black flying silently overhead in black helicopters :-

(Notice how the words 'con' and 'piracy' form 'conspiracy? That's no accident!)
H = 8, E = 5, L = 12, I = 9, C = 3, O = 15, P = 16, T = 20, E = 5, R = 18.
8 + 5 + 12 + 9 + 3 + 15 + 16 + 20 + 5 + 18 = 111.
111 × 6 = 666.

And where precisely will they be flying?

N = 14, E = 5, W = 23, Y = 25, O = 15, R = 18, K = 11.
14 + 5 + 23 + 25 + 15 + 18 + 11 = 111.
111 × 6 = 666.

But wait! It's not real, it's an…

I = 9, L = 12, L = 12, U = 21, S = 19, I = 9, O = 15, N = 14.
9 + 12 + 12 + 21 + 19 + 9 + 15 + 14 = 111.
111 × 6 = 666.

And who is the culprit, the engineer, behind it all? Why, none other than…

S = 19, A = 1, N = 14, T = 20, A = 1, C = 3, L = 12, A = 1, U = 21, S = 19.
19 + 1 + 14 + 20 + 1 + 3 + 12 + 1 + 21 + 19 = 111.
111 × 6 = 666.
And for a further clue, 'SANTA' is not only an anagram of 'SATAN', but he's also red! How much more proof do you need?

More signs of the Beast :-

665 - Next-door neighbour of the beast.
1332 - The number of two beasts.
222 - Child of the beast.
-0.809016994 - Sine of the beast.
DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the beast.
1010011010 - Binary number of the beast.
0.666 - Number of the millibeast.
666.0000 - Number of the high precision beast.
0.00150150150150 - Reciprocal of the beast.
i666 - Imaginary number of the beast.
29A - Hexadecimal of the beast.
665.999999999999 - The number of the Pentium beast.
Shixshixshix - Number of the drunk beast.

So Just How Hot Is Hell?: The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that … The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E) temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed … [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving … shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
[Applied Optics vol. 11, A14, 1972]

More About The Temperature Of Hell: A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: "First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over."

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