Notes to staff :

Should a station not be on the mentioned line (e.g. Farringdon & Jubilee) then merely look for an intersection (in this case, Baker Street) and announce the problem occurs because of this. When it is pointed out by an annoying passenger that the Jubliee line is on an entirely different level and therefore does not share track or signals, become aggitated and claim harrassment (*).

Also, don’t forget to shout the above details over the PA system every 60-90 seconds, inbetween playing the standard announcements at maximum volume, despite the fact regular travellers already know this and tourists take no notice :

• “mind… the gap”
• “move along the platform” so when you reach your destination you have to walk all the way back again
• “stand behind the yellow line”
• “allow passengers off the train first”
• “stand away from the platform edges”
• “move right down inside the carriages”
• “a good service is operating on all lines” yes, we genuinely believe this
• “please keep your personal items with you” all unattended items will be divided up amongst our employees
• “flash photography is not allowed on the Underground ” it scares our drivers and who the hell cares about the tourists anyway?
• “smoking is not permitted on any London Underground station” unless it’s one of our staff
• “make use of all available doors to enter the train so it can depart quickly” then we’ll hold the train for 5 minutes at the next station to ‘regulate the service’

* True story