Air Conditioning
Freezing cold draught blowing across a room (or falling from the ceiling in a column or wall of chill) and causing splitting headaches.
Anaesthetic
Cold water (1).
Anarchist
Someone who does not instantly obey a law or the police simply because they exist, but asks questions in an obvious attempt to undermine authority and challenge the government.
Apology
Meaningless platitude made by those who had no direct involvement with any historical wrongdoing, addressed to those who were not personally affected, but who nevertheless claim the status of victim.
Arab Spring
Muslim Winter.
Athlete
Mobile advertising platform whose hobby is also often paid for by other people’s taxes.
Barbeque
Chemical warfare waged on everyone up to 1km downwind; best done during the hot evenings when most people have to leave their windows open. Stench of burning meat is optional.
Bathroom (sic)
Broom cupboard with shower stall.
BT Webtop
System to cripple basic Windows functionality such as (gasp!) being able to reorder the Start Menu folders.
Means of turning knowledgeable PC users into script monkeys by converting their PC from a fairly open platform (in the non-x sense) into a locked-down dumb terminal where they are unable to install or configure the software required for their job.
Busker
Begger who expects payment for making a lot of noise.
Camera
Instrument of sedition used by those who would destroy the very fabric of society. Police are always on the lookout for individuals such as tourists (1) and amateur photographers (2|3|4) carrying these devices, especially those which are obviously expensive, as photographers are soft targets, and easily found (5) even after the Police have themselves issued very specific guidance (6). Anyone caught pointing one of these instruments at a child is obviously a paedophile.
CCTV
Necessary instrument of state surveillance, used to maintain public order and solve crimes. With a success rate of approximately 1:1,000 (1) for the 1,000,000 cctv cameras in London alone (which cost a mere £500,000,000 of your generously-donated money), that’s an overall value of £500,000 per crime! Just think what we could accomplish together if we had even more cctv. Nanny may be watching you, but nanny knows best!
Child
Offensive term for ‘young person’.
Someone who demands entitlement to all the rights of an adult but refuses any of the attendant responsibilities (not that many adults want them either).
Someone whose every demand must be met and whose every utterance is to be accepted as absolute truth, especially when through no fault of their own they speak of filled-in underground tunnels hiding devil-worshipping baby-killers, which imagery has been introduced by religious fanatics who are so self-deluded they actually believe what they’re saying.
An unfortunate but necessary by-product to enable poncing money from taxpayers by claiming benefits.
Child Genius
Able to count up to 20.
City
A “blink and you’ll miss it” collection of houses with a local shop/garage situated between the ‘city limits’ (with posts and prayers to keep the devil at bay) which in other parts of the world wouldn’t even warrant the title of ‘village’.
Cinema
Place of collective assembly where fans pay to watch advertisements and product-placements whilst chatting to one another, crunching popcorn, stinking out the place with the stench of warm grease-laden cardboard holding a soggy burger, slurp milkshake, and occasionally repeat lines of dialogue to amuse their friends. Advocates claim this social experience is enjoyable.
Clitoris
Unnecessary piece of flesh to be cut off down to the bone (1); removal is sometimes aided by the use of an anaesthetic.
Common Sense
Assuming that you are the centre of the universe and that everyone else knows this.
Whilst riding your bicycle along the pavement at a speed that might break ribs should the handlebars collide with a pedestrian, someone refuses to get out of your way. It’s ‘common sense’ they knew you were just approaching the front gate of your home otherwise why would you have been there?
Whilst visiting the corner shop for some booze to go with the drugs you’re taking, it’s ‘common sense’ to expect a neighbour to know you’ve placed a piece of card in the door to prevent the lock from engaging (the card having fallen unseen to the ground on the other side of the door as the neighbour left the premises), as you don’t have any keys and tend to kick down the front door to your own flat when you lock yourself out or your step-brothers inside don’t bother opening the door or just pretend they’re not in.
CPS (Copper’s Protection Service)
An independent body which has successfully managed to prevent any serving police officer from being charged with manslaughter whilst on duty.
DNA
Proof someone committed a crime.
Biggest single saving of police time as they no longer have to waste effort investigating crimes, simply scour the scene for DNA evidence and match it to known samples in their ever-growing database.
Drama
Soap-opera with acting.
Early Adopter
Someone who pays to be a beta tester.
Efficiency
Changing from 6 postal collections, 3 deliveries per day (which could be timed to the nearest 10 minutes), a postie who asks for a signature on an item they have brought, and 1st class post delivered anywhere in the country the following day, to 3 collections, 1 delivery (any random time), a note through the letterbox because the postie refused to bring the parcel you were staying in for, and 1st class post taking 3 days to get from one side of a city to the other.
Financial Times
Newspaper in sections, one of which is to be read and taken to work, the others to be thrown on the floor of train carriages as a sign of the contempt city suits have for everyone else.
Free
Paid for with everyone else’s taxes.
Friend
Someone whose social website you once visited.
Someone who lives on the other side of the city and “just happened to be in the area” as they arrive 10 minutes before they know you usually sit down for dinner.
Good
Lost in the doldrums between mediocre and poor. Used by people who delude themselves that any service they offer is indeed good, when everyone else knows it is not. (“A good service is operating on all London Underground lines today; the next Circle line train will be in approximately 20 minutes.”)
GM (Generate Money)
A system of blackmail instigated by pharmacorps whereby they sell to farmers seeds which have been designed to only work with certain other chemicals (by sheer coincidence, these are manufactured by the same company); seeds are also designed not to propagate so every season needs new purchases rather than the traditional method of planting new crops. Anyone whose fields are accidentally contaminated by a neighbour’s seeds are charged with theft (well, they didn’t buy the seeds, did they?).
Heart Attack
If mentioned in Hollywood, an overdose of prescription medication, otherwise cause of death after having been beaten by the police.
History
A never-ending list of capitalist hegemonies and genocide of indigenous populations by patriarchal hierarchies bent on war and environmental destruction. Anyone who points out that the word-play of ‘history’ and ‘his story’ only works in English is of course a misogynist, as everyone with any sense knows that if women had their way the world would be one big happy family full of skipping bunnies and fluttering butterflies.
Holocaust
Trademark term regarding Germany’s systematic imprisonment and slaughter of Jews during WWII; all others (e.g., homosexuals, gypsies, negroes) caught up in the same ethnic cleansing were mere goyim and not worthy of being mentioned in the same breath as God’s chosen people. Anyone who says less than 6 million Jews were killed is a Holocaust denier and will be prosecuted by law as historical facts now need protection from analysis.
Honour
Means of ensuring community cohesion by eliminating subversive elements. Critics of this are imperialists guilty of refusing to accept cultural relativism and acknowledging that throwing acid into a woman’s face is a perfectly acceptable method of control, and that internal family matters should be dealt with by the family, where fun days are spent in shooting, stabbing, strangling, or burying alive any offending offspring. Having daughters is often convenient, as they can be offered up to be raped, thus restoring the ‘honour’ (1).
Ignorant
Someone who objects to gagging on the stench of urine because the drug-addicted tenant in the ground-floor flat of the local half-way house uses the front of the property as a lavatory for their pair of status dogs who try and attack everyone who passes outside their gate.
Illicit Relations
Talking.
Independent
Individual or group set up on behalf of those people or groups being investigated, to exonerate them of all blame. Examples include the IPCC, financial investigatory bodies, and anything relating to company misdemeanours.
Innocent
One or more Muslims who are killed during the jihad of another Muslim (1).
Obsolete concept maintained by those who refuse to acknowledge that anyone is capable of committing a crime, hence the need for the police to store everyone’s DNA at birth, because everyone is potentially guilty of any conceivable crime.
Islamophobe
Kaffir who does not wish to live under sharia, and who wants to arrive at work without being blown up.
Anyone who refuses to cover the work of, and feel the utmost sympathy for, a fellow employee who knowing full well the consequences, doesn’t eat for 15 hours and in temperatures of 30°C refuses to drink any water, thus making themselves so weak and faint they need to leave their desk 2-3 times per day, for up to an hour at a time (in addition to the normal breaks they take for placating the wrath of their petulant & insecure invisible friend), notwithstanding the fact they are so tired from lack of sleep they are barely capable of work at all.
Lawyer
Member of elite role-playing game in which turns are taken at being the attacker or defender; the only consideration is in gaining experience, as presumed guilt or innocence and their effects on those deemed to be perpetrators or victims (sometimes the same person) is a secondary consideration to following the rules of the game (laws).
Liberal
Gun-owner who would only use the weapon for self-defence rather than hunting animals for sport instead of food (assault rifles, night-scopes, and helicopters are optional). A liberal who does not own a gun is a socialist.
Make Good
Painter’s and Decorator’s term for “That’ll do”. Splashing some diluted ‘trade white’ paint on top of some ‘trade white’ filler or sealant.
Mandatory Attendance
Demand made by internal corporate shill to gain captive audience for their propaganda pep-talk about how much the company “appreciates” their “valued” workforce. Also mandatory are pathetic acronyms such as WAY (We Appreciate You) or DIN (Delivering Investment Now).
Militant Homosexual
Gay person who has the audacity to not want to be beaten up or killed when s/he walks along the pavement, shops, works, or shows affection.
Minute
In the real world, a period of time comprising 60 seconds; 1/60th of an hour, whilst for London Transport it is a variable period of time lasting somewhere between 75 and 120 seconds, and consecutive minutes are never the same length.
Moratorium
Call to pander to mob rule or the lowest common denominator, and in so doing refusing to answer a question regarding morality (e.g., “Is it right to stone women for adultery?”) by framing it in terms of relatavism, and waiting for someone else to make a ruling before deciding what to do.
Offence
Knee-jerk reaction of aggression made by those unable to think, speak, or otherwise respond in a rational manner when countering an analysis or critique of a deeply-held belief, which is itself deemed sacrosanct because… because it is, and you’re a bigot for even mentioning it! This is the natural state of a victim.
Olympics
Bottomless pit of public money used to feed corporate advertising campaigns and TV broadcasting rights to programs which show people wearing corporate logos who compete to hold a cup with an advertiser’s name on it.
Organic
Over-priced con-job designed to go rotten after a couple of days so you have to buy 2-3 times as much and waste even more time shopping.
Paediatrician
What News Of The World readers ‘think’ a paedophile is (1|2), as the first 4 letters look the same, and it’s a very long word. Psst! Did you see those pictures of Emma Watson in the first couple of Harry Potter films? wasn’t she just adorable? But in a non-paedophile way, obviously.
Paedophile
Anyone who looks at a child for more than half a second, even accidentally, as there will always be an underlying motive, and we’ll find it, oh yes we will, even if we have to invent it (but think of the children!).
Any parent who uses a camera to photograph their children wearing anything other than a burqa, and even then we have our suspicions (and we’re never wrong!).
PCSO (Public Can Sod Off)
Uppity little martinet with delusions of adequacy, this strutting manqué (actually a pitiful loser) dreams of being in the real police but has to contend with venting their frustration on hapless passers-by, all the while complaining of being under-appreciated and how their best efforts continually go unrewarded, thus consoling themselves with “helping to make a safer and better society”. Their utter lack of interest in anything other than throwing their weight around can manifest as saying “You’re filming for fun? I don’t believe you” (1) and showing even more interest in cameras.
PFI (Preventing Future Investment)
A means of ensuring the cost of services is passed on to future generations, who then pay many times what it would have costed now, but doing so keeps expenditure off the current balance-books, which is all that matters so people can be seen to be ‘saving’ money and giving themselves a bonus as reward.
Pedestrian
Slow-moving hindrance to cyclists as they race along the pavement and demand everyone else get out of their way.
Police
State-sponsored para-military thug, able and willing to get away with murder (preferably members of the public, otherwise their own attack dogs who are left to dehydrate in the back of vans). Part of a tightly-knit group, members of this community always destroy evidence of their frequent transgressions and have even set up an official body (Institute for the Protection of Corrupt Cops) to ensure they are so rarely prosecuted no one remembers when the last time was. If applicants manage to fail the almost non-existent criteria for entry, then they can still become a PCSO. They love to arrest random people, unlawfully demand locals and tourists delete images from their camera, stand around laughing and joking while people die in front of them (1), and blame imaginary impersonators for murder whilst protecting the true culprits (2). Higher ranking members write columns in daily newspapers to demonstrate how utterly out of touch they are with public opinion, and publish books which amount to nothing more than a continuous bleating of “I said then I was right and I say now I was right; everyone who disagress with me is wrong”. An aerial unit (yes, pigs can fly!) also exists to travel by helicopter straight to West London in the middle of the night and spend up to 4 hours hovering above people’s homes to keep them awake (best done during the summer when most people have their windows open), whilst on-board night-vision and IR cameras record every detail of what goes on.
Political Correctness
Intellectual Bankruptcy.
PPP (Publicly-funded Private Profit)
A wonderful wheeze whereby taxes are used to prop up failing private companies, whose profits are then given to a few CEOs rather than returned to the original ‘lender’.
Privacy
Anti-societal attitude perpetuated by those who mistakenly believe the state does not know best and therefore should not look after them, and maintained by those who do shameful things that ought to be exposed for all to see. What do you have to hide, eh? If you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear! Think of the neighbours, think of the children!
Project Manager
Someone who, having given people work without determining if it’s possible at all, let alone in the promised time-scales, takes credit for their success, and blames them when they do not meet his demands. When not spending all day shouting into a phone and disturbing the people who are supposed to be doing the work, they congratulate themselves on how good they are at managing people, and give themselves meaningless titles such as ‘facilitator’. Their most characterisrtic trait is the inability to comprehend or sometimes even hear the word “no”.
Queue
Outdated hierarchical structure based on seniority (first come, first served), which directly contradicts the maxim that everyone is equal and should have the same chance as everyone else, especially those prone to violence or excessive size.
Quick Start Guide
- Plug In.
- Switch On.
Racist
All non-black people.
Anyone who believes employees should be assigned jobs or promotions based on their experience and knowledge (which they gained by learning and working) rather than their appearance (which was assigned to them prior to birth and was beyond their control).
Anyone who denounces Stolen Legacy and its ilk as bathetic pseudo-historical revisionist rubbish (1).
Rape
A man’s natural reaction to seeing any uncovered female flesh.
A man’s natural reaction after friends have revealed what lies beneath covered female flesh.
Respect
Something demanded by those who have done nothing to earn it; applies equally to gangs and the police; synonymous with fear.
Retarded
Offensive term for mewling simpleton.
Snob
Someone who knows the alphabet and owns a dictionary.
Socialist
Anyone to the left of Hitler.
Spices
Something used to overload the taste-buds and disguise food which is either tasteless or going rotten.
Squatter
Thief who not only steals a home and its contents, but moves into the property and changes the locks so when the true owners return from holiday they cannot get in.
Traveller
Gypsy who owns property in one country, lives in a mobile home located in another country, and remains in a one place.
Union
Group of people who, having supported one government’s spending of money it didn’t have, blames the current government for making spending cuts.
Vegan
Someone who would rather see the oceans and earth destroyed by oil-drilling platforms, petro-chemical processing plants, and thousands of miles of pipelines, as a necessary process of creating plastics to make their clothing etc., rather than wear naturally occurring products such as wool or cotton or wood.
Victim
Someone who takes offence after their demands that everyone else fit into their way of behaviour is rebuffed; reactions are invariably hostile towards people of the same gender showing affection or enjoying sex (which is none of their business anyway), images of people whose appearance is not known (just because they don’t want to create images gives them no right to prevent others from doing so), worshipping the ‘wrong’ deity (with so many to choose form, only theirs is the right one, naturally), and refusing to accept other people have differing viewpoints (but theirs was given by their one true god, so that’s all the justification they need).
Someone who refuses to accept any responsibility for their own decisions and actions, and instead blames everyone else for their predicament. (“It’s society’s fault I was so stupid to believe the advertising, wah, wah!”)
Woman
Superfluous lump of flesh surrounding a vagina.
Incubator for child, whose health always over-rides that of the host.
Walk-in Wardrobe
Broom cupboard with hooks on the walls.
Work
Something done by those who can or need (or even want) to, to support those who won’t or can’t be bothered to. But they’re ‘entitled’, so that’s all right then.
World
Tract of land situated between Canada & Mexico; anything else beyond this is irrelevant as only locals are allowed to play in the ‘World Series’, except when Hollywood or the U.S. government needs someone to blame for their own misfortunes or those created by companies who are majority-owned by them.